[Intro]
Rupert Brown!
You alright, duck? You out tonight?
Yeah, where you going? Down bottoms? Right
Check my new watch out, £9.99 from Argos
Yo

[Verse 1]
I ain't got a Rolex, can't afford one
Not even a fake one or a small one
Spent my money on weed, now it's all gone
I ain't even got a plate to put my fork on
Signing on day, gotta get my walk on
Make an excuse, gotta get my talk on
I don't drink Champers, it's Lambrini
My mountain bike and my Lamborghini
It's Richmond fags, so it's not Benson
I'm Simply Red, money's too tight to mention
Hole in my sicks, my trainers got paint on
T-shirts fading, it ain't got a name on
My best chat up line is "You come here often?"
She starts laughing and hides it by coughing
"Why's a girl like you in a place like this?
What, why is my face like this?"
Cus I ain't got a Rolex, I got a Casio
Buy me a drink cus I'm waiting for my dole check
We can go back to my one-room flat
I'm not a weirdo and I don't smoke crack
So don't worry we can have beans on toast
If you stop at the shop and buy me a loaf

[Hook] x2
I'm going home with a girl I don't know yet
Next thing, she's wearing my Casio
Got no dough I ain't even got a phone yet
I'm too broke I ain't got a Rolex

[Verse 2]
Yo, I ain't got a Beamer I got a Cortina
I'm going to pick up my girl Paulina
She looks like J-Lo she's 30 stone
Got six dogs and lives in a dirty home
But she knows how to suck dick and cook for dinner
A bonus, that's why I'm onto a winner
Hi-Tech boots, tracksuit's Diadora
I think you'd adore her if you saw her
She don't use make up, she uses Mach Gloss
She smokes a cigar like a factory fat boss
Really really love her
Never love another
Even though she had an affair with my brother
She got an arse like rubber
But when I first tried to shag her I bounced round the room like Flubber
She spends all day in a big arm chair
No I don't care about her armpit hair
Cus I really like her, she's my baby
Drives me crazy, my number one lady
Or maybe, we could have a baby
But she won't shag, she's too fat and lazy
She sits at home, picks her nose
And don't really ever ever change her clothes
She's my honey, she's so funny
I don't give a toss if I've got no money

[Hook] x2

[Bridge] x2
One, glass of Irn Bru for you
Two, glass of Irn Bru for me
Three, now do the Casio Sweep
Uh, uh, do the Casio Sweep

[Hook] x2

[Outro]
Rupert Brown through your radio station
All you broke cats out there living on the dole
On some fucked up council estate
Pushing a Sierra
In fact, towing a Sierra with a Cortina
With a three wheel van in front