[Woman:]
[Gasp] Oh my gosh, girls, and Peter, don't look now
I told you don't look
There's that guy, he is so weird
Look at him in his violet shirt with that toddler body
You know, you don't need to be wearing no shades of lavender
When you got a body like a baby
Oh no, I will not dance. I will not dance

[TJ:]
I got a club foot on the left side
And on the right side, I have an even worse foot

I'm a weird dude, I like weird shit
I'm a weird guy, I get weird with it
When I party it don't make much sense
Don't mind me, I'm on a 32-day Tanqueray cleanse

(So you want to party like that, bitch?)

It's the fusion between confusion and something else
I'd probably get kicked out, if it wasn't for the wealth
Let's wear togas, with tuxedos underneath
And order several pizzas we allow homeless men to eat
(Now I'm partying with them!)

Roll up to the club with a limp like I'm hurt (ow!)
Ask for medical attention but I call everyone Bert (what up, Bert?)
Then I explain, I'm not even wounded
This club sucks, I arrived and still ruined it

Bring a boombox in the car wash (now we're partying)
Recipes for goulash (now we're partying)
Laundryman with no clothes (now we're partying)
At the nudist camp fully clothed

I'm a party machine, remixing Martin Luther King
Because I also have a very important dream
But in mine I'm naked, and I'm bathing in shaving cream
So it's a weird one, it's actually not that inspirational

NyQuil when I'm fine, liquor when I'm sick
And if someone asks to see it, I show 'em a little dick
Not my penis, the short guy named Richard, we call him Rick (What up, Rick?)
He's actually kind of a dick

I drink malt liquor on the playground
Vomit watching kids on the merry-go-round
Wait outside public restrooms, tell them I'm not in line
When they come out, I say how was it and they say "...fine?"

I got sliced ham in my pocket ready to go
If someone wants a sandwich, just provide your own roll
It's BYOB, that means "bring your own bread"
Right foot, it's always Nikes, on my left it's Keds

For every beer I drink, one goes in the toilet
I tell all the girls my purple shirt is violet
And watch them as they're more confused than I am
Then I politely offer them some of my pocket ham (it's hickory!)

Malt liquor at the party store (now we're partying)
Read Norwegian folklore (now we're partying)
Waterpark lost-and-found (now we're partying)
At casual events I wear a ball gown

Ninny-ninny foo-foo, this is how we do do
Shizzle my tizzle, I fizzle when I'm on the kizzle
Nothing that I'm saying even makes sense, makes sense
Everything I'm saying is nonsense, nonsense

I wear shrimp cologne, go on double dates alone
Call myself three days later, don't pick up the phone
I make deposits at the bank, hanging at the ATM
Sneak a peak at someone's balance (Now I'm partying with them!)

Don't like keg stands, prefer keg sits
When I drink wine, I get the beer-shits
Tell me about your boobs, I stay abreast of those tits
They're like whiskey when it's cold: I likes little nips!

I smoke a little weed, then I smoke a little less (what?)
I'm ADD so I need hours for the breathalyzer test
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom
Mostly janitorial, mop and broom

Got kicked out of the party store for partying
But in my opinion, yo, here's the thing:
If it's a party store and I can't breakdance or drink
They should call it "The Unfun Streamer Store", don't you think?

Hanging out with Crevin Harbutton (now we're partying)
Red hats, nice luncheon (now we're partying)
Asleep in the cab (now we're partying)
Build a pillow fort out of mattresses

[Woman:]
Oh, I know he not gonna try to sing too
Oh my gosh, that is so 1970

[TJ:]
Oh girls, it is so good to hang out with you guys in person
I'm sick of Skyping!

(Nevermind.)