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WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT AUDIO
- USE HEADPHONES IF ANYONE ELSE IS AROUND
- DO NOT SHARE WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR’S 6-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, EVEN IF SHE LOVES RAP
Rappers love to fuck. It’s an unassailable truth. Sometimes, this truth leads to beauty — witness the greatness that is the Notorious B.I.G.’s “One More Chance”, one of the most masterful “fuck songs” ever.
Other times it leads to disaster, like when a rapper decides to record a sexual skit on an album.
These “sex scenes” are almost all irredeemably repugnant: they’re vile, they’re misogynistic, and they shuffle their way onto your iPod when you’re in church, or visiting grandma…just when they are least appropriate!
But which sex scenes are the grossest of all time? How can we know for sure if we keep skipping them?
In order to settle the debate once and for all, Rap Genius has come up with a carefully weighted scoring system. Lest there be any confusion as to why a certain scene has received a certain score, here’s a brief explanation of each category:
Wetness is perhaps the most crucial element of a sex scene’s explicitness. It’s not unusual these days to turn on the TV and hear women moaning in ecstasy or beds straining under the weight of two enthusiastic lovers. But there’s something undeniably filthy about hearing mouth slurps or a wet vagina being penetrated. I’m not saying this is right or wrong.
Depravity of Sex Acts Depicted
Points awarded for violence and sexual creativity.
Male Sex Sounds
I think everyone can agree — male and female, gay and straight — that women make much prettier noises between the sheets than men do.
How mortified would you be if your neighbors heard the scene in question coming from your apartment?
Physical Attractiveness of Participants
I’d rather watch a porno starring Peter North than Ron Jeremy, but it’s not my first consideration when choosing where to click. That’s why this category is worth only 5 points. It matters (no homo)…but just a little.
Trail of Tearsishness
For the love of God, how long is this thing going to last? Each scene receives 1 point for every 10 seconds we’re forced to suffer through it.
[5 points per nutt]
Orgasms are racy! Each “nutt” that gets “busted” nets a scene 5 bonus points.
Now that we’ve dispensed with the requisite pleasantries, let us plumb the darkest depths of hip-hop’s horny horrors. I present to you, intrepid sexologue:
The 5 Nastiest, Most Explicit Sex Scenes in the History of Hip Hop
5. Last :44 of "[Respect](http://rapgenius.com/lyrics/The-notorious-b-i-g/Respect)" by Notorious B.I.G.
Biggie wants a young woman to give him a blow job. She insists that she “doesn’t do that sort of thing” (SUUUUURE). Despite her initial protestations, Biggie manages to convince her to nibble on the chubby. We then listen uncomfortably as she fellates him for a short spell before the slurping blends seamlessly into the next track (“Friend of Mine”).
Despite the fact that the skit is basically all blowjob sounds, the slurping here is surprisingly dry. Still, the skit is basically all blowjob sounds.
Although some may find oral sex too decadent, girl-on-guy blowjob is pretty much as standard as it gets. That said, it is premarital (ew!).
Male Sex Sounds: 6/10
Biggie moans and grunts approvingly like he’s eating a some wings or something.
Embarrassment Quotient: 3/10
I wouldn’t want my neighbors to hear this blasting out of my apartment, but if they only caught a faint hint of it, it could just be me and a girl from JDate…
Physical Attractiveness of Participants: 5/5
Trail of Tearsishness: 4
45 seconds of a fat man with a lazy eye coaxing a sloppy blowjob out of his lady friend.
Orgasm Bonus: O
Surprisingly, neither Biggie nor his conquest gets a “nutt” (PYONG!)
TOTAL: 41 pts
4. "Pause 4 Porno" by Dr. Dre
After a brief introduction from Dr. Dre we are dropped mid-scene into an orgy. Porn star Jake Steed is doing his thang with two, possibly three, women, and it all seems to be going quite well. After loudly declaring his intention to do so, Steed ejaculates on one of his lovers' faces, getting semen in her eye. This doesn’t faze her, however, and she demands that Steed get it up again and finish her off so she can go home to her man. Porn star or no, Jake Steed is only human (if you fuck him, does he not skeet?), and needs at least 5 minutes to recuperate. When the woman pushes the issue, Steed calls her a bitch.
Luckily for us, Dre kept the boom mic away from the pussy
To each his own, but Rap Genius doesn’t condone infidelity. Also, name calling is mean (unless you agree to the parameters of the name-calling ahead of time, of course).
Male Sex Sounds: 10/10
Steed growls like a mother raccoon protecting her pups from predators and has a bizarre propensity for narrating events as they unfold.
Embarrassment Quotient: 8/10
I would never talk to a woman like Mr. Steed does here and wouldn’t want my neighbors to think so either.
Physical Attractiveness of Participants: 1/5
He’s a porn star. The girls sound hot. I’d watch this scene!
Trail of Tearsishness: 9
90 seconds of gruntin', skeetin', and schemin'
Orgasm Bonus: 5
TOTAL: 47 pts
3. “Taster’s Choice” by Big Pun
Big Pun is having a threesome with 2 Hispanic women. Predictably, one of the ladies gets jealous that the other is hogging Big Pun’s little penis, and a physical/verbal altercation ensues. Big Pun tries to mediate, suggesting that one of the women eat the other out while he has sex with the eater (presumably from behind)…reminiscent of the Wise Biblical Solomon.
This skit isn’t super-wet, but there’s definitely some juice.
Two women fight over a morbidly obese man’s penis. Since the scene represents a straightforward fantasy for a huge chunk Rap Genius readers (obese males), we can’t go any higher than 10/20.
Male Sex Sounds: 10/10
Big Pun’s incessant yapping/grunting is none-too-appreciated.
Embarrassment Quotient: 8/10
My neighbors know that if a bunch of Puerto Ricans had an orgy in my apartment, it’d be on my computer [via 8th Street Latinas ©2004]
Physical Attractiveness of Participants: 5/5
Pun is most definitely fatter (maybe even uglier) than Biggie…and he used to be a male model!
Trail of Tearsishness: 8
One minute and twenty-one seconds of sweaty, contentious love-making.
Orgasm Bonus: 5
It’s certainly not explosive, but the relaxed sigh that Big Pun lets out at the end of the track sounds pretty orgasmic to me. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
TOTAL: 51 pts
2. "Ken Kaniff” by Eminem
The Insane Clown Posse, [who were beefing with Eminem at the time], team up to give Ken Kaniff — [a fictional homosexual] created by Eminem and fellow Detroit rapper Aristotle — a two-clown blowjob. In a twist ending of sorts, it becomes apparent that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J have been fantasizing about Eminem the entire time!
Unfathomable amounts of spit grease the wheels of this boner-killing track.
Two grown men with facial hair dressed as clowns give a man a blowjob as he talks dirty to them. Classic nonviolent depravity — straight out of sex maniac Martin Luther King Jr.’s playbook.
Male Sex Sounds: 10/10
Just listen to the thing. I personally guarantee that Ken Kaniff’s voice will haunt your nightmares for years to come.
Embarrassment Quotient: 7/10
When Ken Kaniff is talking, it’s highly embarrassing. In between, it’s just slurping.
Physical Attractiveness of Participants: 5/5
Trail of Tearsishness: 6
This horrifying hummer clocks in at 1:02
Orgasm Bonus: 0
Nobody skeets :(
TOTAL: 65 pts
1. “Pick My Gun Up” by R.A. the Rugged Man
R.A. the Rugged Man is going down on a woman when he abruptly asks her to cut “chunks” out of the back of his neck with a knife. She reluctantly agrees, resulting in blood going everywhere as Rugged Man stops pleasuring her and starts pleasuring himself. She reluctantly agrees, resulting in blood going everywhere as he jerks off in front of her and makes primal, guttural moans
Not satisfied with this act of masochism, R.A. demands that the woman pistol whip him as he continues to masturbate until completion. Immediately after witnessing an orgasm that sounds like a man gargling apple sauce, the woman says that she’s going to throw up.
The blowjob is sloppy, the jerking off is disturbingly wet, and the gargling sounds of the orgasm are pure, unmitigated evil
Blood. Gargling. Pistol Whipping. Chunks of Neck. Threats of Puke. Knives. Orgasms. Need I say more?
Male Sex Sounds: 10/10
R.A.’s instructions are horrifying and the orgasm sounds are quite possibly the most revolting orgasm sounds in recorded history.
Embarrassment Quotient: 10/10
Another sure-fire way to convince your neighbors that they’re not safe living next to you.
Physical Attractiveness of Participants: 4/5
Dude is pretty ugly, but at least he’s not enormously fat. That’s worth a point.
Trail of Tearsishness: 7
One minute and fourteen seconds of sheer terror.
Orgasm Bonus: 10
I’d prefer to never have to think about this orgasm ever again. Double bonus.
TOTAL: 80 pts
In honor of R.A. the Rugged Man’s somewhat surprising defeat of hip hop goliaths like Eminem, Biggie, and Dre, we present a factsheet about this interesting man:
- His father was hit up by some Agent Orange in Vietnam
- His brother Maxx was born blind and died at 10
- His sister Dee Ann can’t walk or speak
- He once called out Floyd Mayweather Jr. for dodging big fights
He’s also extremely productive outside of music: he’s written dozens of articles, a book about boxing, and three screenplays. He’s currently directing a (presumably moving) documentary about his family.
So now in addition to feeling filthy, you also feel bad about your lack of accomplishments relative to such a disgusting being. Are you glad you read this post? I’m off to take a 35 minute shower now (I don’t have a real job!!!)