Operation Free Earl

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On January 25th a highly trained team of special operations forces—the elite Seal Team 6—parachuted in the dark of night into an enemy camp to rescue an American and several others from a band of heavily armed Somali pirates. The secretive Seal Team 6 months earlier had become a household name after the elite force’s killing of Osama bin Laden, just a mile from Pakistan’s military academy. The Navy’s commandos operate outside of military protocol and international law and are believed to be capable of practically any rescue or assassination mission the President requires.

So I got to thinking. Earl is not yet free. Believed to be held in indefinite detention at a Samoan Island “school,” Earl has been the subject of an international campaign to secure his freedom: #FreeEarl. After emailing President Obama about the matter repeatedly, I’ve taken his silence to mean that neither Seal Team 6 nor any other special forces unit will be dispatched to free Earl. We must, then, elect an elite team of our own to accomplish the mission, rap commandos sufficient to the task of flying into the Samaon stronghold and extricating Earl Sweatshirt—government name Thebe Kgositsile—from custody. Though word of Earl’s supposedly imminent release has fans hopeful, the many prior months of rumors leave many still in doubt. Is he really coming home this time? The only way to end the rumors is to send a strike force in to secure Earl’s freedom without doubt.

Some obvious candidates for the strike force stand out immediately. Members of OFWGKTA themselves will likely be relied upon for skateboard-oriented missions. God help the Samoan captors when the entire Wolf Gang comes rail grinding in from all directions, with the beat from “Sandwiches” playing and everybody wildin out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB63smNtbfw&feature=player_embedded

Considering an attack environment resistant to skateboard-based or Based-based tactics, teams of Odd Future affiliates and cosigners can be assembled.

Team Re-Up

Pusha T and Tyler are parachuted down already in the car from “Trouble on My Mind,” all black everything, on some “went the back route, killed bin Laden” shit. They roll up on Earl’s captors looking crazy as fuck, Pusha’s mean mug and Tyler’s demonic grin behind torn ski masks. Maybe there’s that crazy-ass white skater kid with the baseball bat in the back seat. Earl’s captors shit their pants, Earl’s free. Pharrell might be hanging around too, dancing in the background and ad-libbing in falsetto.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GKL_ZoJQjc&feature=player_embedded

Blood Brigade

Operation Martian: Fear of a Red Planet is modeled on “Martians Vs. Goblins” and “Red Nation.” Game drops in strapped up and a few Bloods deep. Oh, and one of those Bloods is Weezy. “Bitch, I’m a motherfuckin' Martian!” Mad explosions are popping off behind them, and they’re standing on burned out cars like, “I wish a Samoan would keep Earl.” Earl is freed and escorted away in a ‘64 Impala.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSAwWrbdoEQ&feature=player_embedded

Swag Squad

Tiny pants might not immediately strike fear into the hearts of Earl’s captors, but a crack team of OFWGKTA affiliates with hipster cachet presents a formidable force. Childish Gambino has been “looking for Earl like Toejam”, so he likely leads the mission. Kreayshawn, who considers Odd Future “patnas” on the basis of their smoking together, brings along Lil B, who just loves everybody. Though they barely make the cut due to lackluster Pitchfork reviews, Das Racist and the Greedhead crew are on board. The elite Trill Team 6 (the A$AP Mob) and Danny Brown’s Bruiser Brigade squash their minor beef (or rumors of beef) with some of the OFWGKTA set and join up.

Most of the Swag Squad gets faded on the flight, but that’s when they’re at their best. They’ve got “Blunt After Blunt” on repeat and have to be reminded what their mission is when they touch down. In the end, it doesn’t much matter because Nardwuar the Human Serviette is already there to score an interview with A$AP Rocky. Armed with an armful of rare Samoan jams on vinyl, Nardwuar distracts Earl’s guards long enough to free him.

The Don

If it becomes necessary, we appeal to Jay-Z to buy Samoa in its entirety. Samoa becomes a wholly owned subsidiary of the Roc empire and Earl is set free.