Woman sleeps with Nas, Jay-Z, and Allen Iverson; reveals penis secrets

Ladies: get excited! Carmen Bryan has written an instant classic gossip book with an after-the-colon subtitle to match. It’s No Secret: From Nas to Jay-Z, from Seduction to Scandal, a Hip-Hop Helen of Troy Tells All — reveals everything you ever wanted to know about Nas, Jay-Z, and Allen Iverson — all of whom she had sex with (i.e., penis size and sexual performance info below). Here are the most Divine Revelations from the book:

Nas was a laggardly layabout

I was used to people being all hot and bothered about Nas’s debut album. Sometimes it seemed all of New York City was in a fever of anticipation. Everyone assumed perfectionism was delaying Nas’s album. Though I hate to admit it, in my view, Nas was simply relaxed to the point of apathy about going into the studio.

Allen Iverson can lay some pipe

Allen was lean and muscled, a warrior, with tattoos and battle scars. Just looking at him got me excited. His body was scrumptious. His kiss was intoxicating and I felt like I was melting. Our antics took us from one side of the bed to the other. I couldn’t get enough of this man. He was so physically strong he thought nothing of picking me up and creating the most erotic of poses. When he finally possessed me I was so ready. He filled me completely and our rhythm was perfect. Allen was average in size but his gift was girth and technique. His sliding and swerving thrusts hit me in spots I didn’t know I had. And this was only round one.

Jay-Z was excelllent at branding himself as a caring boyfriend

What made Shawn so unique from other men I had dated was that he became my best friend. He really listened to me and when I spoke he would look intently into my eyes. It was almost like he was recording my every word to memory. I had never been with a man who was so attuned to my thoughts and feelings. It worked both ways; I really cared about Shawn and respected and valued his opinions. It felt like I was in my first adult relationship.

Carmen must have been super surprised when, after Nas released meme Jay-Z diss track “Ether”, Jay-Z came back with “Supa Ugly”, featuring this respectful verse:

Me and the boy A.I. got more in common
Than just ballin’ and rhyming, get it?
More in Carmen
I came in your Bentley backseat
Skeeted in your Jeep
Left condoms on your baby seat

And since you infatuated with sayin’ that gay shit
Yes, you was kissin’ my dick when you was kissin’ that bitch
Nasty shit
You thought I was boning Renette
You calling Carm a hundred times, I was boning her neck
You got a baby by that broad
You can’t disown her yet

“Supa Ugly”, cued up to the offending verse:

And now, for the REAL scoop. Penis battle: Jay-Z vs Nas

Carmen praises Jay-Z for boasting an appendage alternately like a baby’s arm, the neck on a giraffe, an elephant’s trunk, or a large human penis, though he was apparently boring and conventional in bed, and only had the physical strength for semi-erotic poses. Like Iverson, Nas was apparently also average in size, but much kinkier (via AV Club review )

Makes perfect sense. I see no good reason to doubt any of this. Also Carmen Bryan, if you’re reading this (via your “Carmen Bryan” Google Alert or whatever), email me if you’d like a dickpic from a Rap Genius editor (the technology is there!)