Captain Catnip – CaptainCatnip vs. Mayhem-till-AM Rap Battle (Round One) Lyrics
[Captain Catnips announcement in Mayhem-Till-AM's thread]
I’d like to propose something to you: Let’s have a friendly little keystyle battle. You seem to think you’re hot shit, and I respect that kind of mentality. 3 rounds on the RG forums, judged by the community, if you can beat me, I will produce your debut mixtape/EP/album/whatever or at least a large portion of it (up to 10 tracks)
[MAYHEM ROUND 1]
Ok let’s ignite this fight
I spit so much fire I’ll spark the fucking mic
Light the joint fly so high call me a wright
After I’m done you’ll be sleeping six feet under with a night light
Just wait cause when I’m done with you
You’ll be scared straight to bump into
Me again the the streets
You know I run that shit like Spoelstra run the heat
Yo momma should run to lose it cause she’s obese
Listen to me, use your imagination
Cause what I’m about to say ain’t no exaggeration
Your dick’ll be stitched to your nipples
You’re gonna be hunched over and bruised like a cripple
Your balls’ll be cut off and dangled through your nostrils down your throat
Everytime you scream shit’ll be sounding like a mountain goat
Cause your throat’ll be cut too and the blood’ll be gushing down your esophagus
Come here little girl you wanna big sloppy kiss?
Oops! Your screaming sounds too much like your mother
Especially when I can’t see here in the dark, your squirming reminds of her
Cause she used to swallow pills like a drain
And you’re failed abortion didn’t help her much with the pain
Portal veins too heavy with roofie poisoned alcohol
That bitch gets passed around so many times she’s like a basketball
And who knows who’s your daddy
I’m willing to bet your mom’s stripper money that its shaggy
N they were both butt naked bangin on the bathroom floor
Cops kicked in the door waving their four fours
And that nigga saw trouble and kicked out the window and ran
Then he screamed catch me if you can I’m a gingerbread man
Nigga was crazy and your mom was in a daze see?
I came in fucked her and know its out of her dang reach
Check out that last paragraph, it’s an acronym lol
[CATNIP ROUND 1]
Okay, okay okay
I’m from the California Coast, boy, beaches and bridges
You tryna Mac like Dre, but you ain’t sleepin' with bitches
See here, your whole rap styles a gimmick just like Free’s beard
That shit about “I’ll kill your daddy and fuck your mom” would’ve sounded dope, but…my parents been divorced 15 years
And I don’t know how, but it seems before this fight you got some intel
How in 10th grade I’d take 10 vals, crush ‘em all up at once & inhale
And I suggest you try it, cause I’d love to see you in hell
And…oh, wait, that pill line was about my moms too? Shit, well…
Your parents had you cause they were too broke to even buy rubbers
And who are you tryna battle rap here anyways, me or my mother?
See, I keep an actual ninjato, swing my sword hella hard
You have Dungeons and Dragons bars like a fourth-level bard
And Catnip’s a fuckin' Owlbear, you best fuck up outta here
Listen faggot, talkin' bout my dick like that is not allowed in here!
You dress like a fat bitch in a pink cheeta-print tee
Well…I’m guessing you do, because you’ve never been seen in the streets
Cause you like a crippled bitch, needin' a machine just to breathe
I got them iron lungs, you got one around your body
And out your whole round you only had one bar I’m gon' see
You bout as fly as Wright brothers…before 1903
And after you lose this fair and square I bet you’ll try to steal a beat
But hey…start your rebuttals any time you feel the need
[MAYHEM ROUND 2]
From the California coast?
Battle with me it’s like getting tied to a whipping post
Pose like your ancestors and get prepared for this roast
Nigga my raps are so breath taking its like the Ivory Coast
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Whoops I forgot you don’t have the Father, so that’s why you’re so morose
Gonna rep the west, ok do your best
Just don’t forget to wear that bulletproof vest
Cause I’ll pop those five shots till you drop like Pac
Except they’ll be no crying at your funeral just your sliced off cock
Ok so you’re an owlbear, is that named after the way your mother howled when she put nare on her back to rip off the hair?
Just remember hedwig died in mid air
You might think your soaring now but just wait
Wait till you walk around the New York State
Best be checking over your shoulders cause its getting a little late
Try and stab me you hit an armored plate
Not used to being able to see cause of all that smog
Beating your ass and trying drown you in the sea, guess I took over your dads job
Keep quiet in the basement till the storm blows over
Take out your dragon game and blow the dust off the cover
Cause its 2013 and you’re rhythm sounds like a washer machine
Got an iron lung? Then call my raps lightning cause I strike that and put up a smoke screen
The puffs turn chronic green , im smoking royal call it the queen
I’ll tear your face off and wear it as a mask on Halloween
[CATNIP ROUND 2]
Even if you could pop me like ‘Pac, I’d find a way to refute ya
Ain’t you heard? Pac’s alive in Cuba
All you say is, my mom this, my dad this, my trees that
I’m from Cali where your weed is grown, and bitch I don’t believe that
But I actually rap, and your shit I believe’s whack
But to prove I’m better, I’ll play you at your own game and beat that!
You’re never ever testin' me
My bitch gave your dad a STD
You starin' up at the sky like “Lord, bless me please"
How ‘bout you stop with all that prayin, and just emcee?
You gonna rep the East? Okay, that’s effin’ weak
How you gon' like it when I stick my razor blades here? Let’s just see
Hold up, where are those razor blades goin? They gettin' left in me?
Who knows? You can’t even spit your lil murder raps descriptively!
I will shit up your asshole and piss on your dick
Dawg, you infected, that shit on your dick…has some shit on it’s dick
And I hope you think that’s stupid and disgusting, cause suprise, suprise
That’s the way I feel ‘bout four out of 5 of your lines
Fuck that, fuck that, fuck that… y'all wanna hear some real battle rap shit?
I slide like M. Bison, your fat ass more E. Honda
Bring flames like Dhalsim, and my kicks’ll T-Hawk ya
So think you’ll see me in the street? You fuckin' lame, guy
My bitch look like Chun-Li and your bitch is named Guy!
You want me to be descriptive?
Don think your murder’ll be vindictive
My raps are very addictive like your rhymes are very predictive
You seem conflicted
Are you really as gay as you depicted?
Shitting on my asshole and pissing on my dick
I guess I’ll have to end your life quick before I get sick
Or before you try and slick your prick and get a couple licks in quick
Nigga yous as gay as those cousin fucking hicks
Well first off let me get you alone or in a group it dont matter
Cause once I introduce myself as the well known Funkmaster, the rest’ll scatter
I’ll slit your wrists or at least the ones that already show that pattern
Duck tape your mouth shut, actually leave it open
I like hearing you try to rap battle it makes my rhymes seem golden
I’ll Take a hammer and fuck up your head maybe make it more swollen
Take some rusty nails and stick em through your eyes
Hammer em in more so your eyes to make it painful when you start to cry
Then I’ll tear off your nipples and fingernails
You might not want me to tell you the rest of the details
I don’t give a fuck where you’re from
Cause tonight, your gonna be a Atlantic Ocean scrum
You’ll join your ancestors at the bottom of the ocean
But you’re not getting off that easy so put on the lotion
Get ready for this cause its gonna be rough
Take a hit of a bunt and take your last puff
Prepare for your balls being sawed off and shoved up your ass
Till they can serve as ovaries soon you’ll pass out from the carbon monoxide gas
Finally cut your head off and stick it on a pike
Put it on show for the rest of the world to see what i do to your like
[CATNIP ROUND 3]
When I started this battle, I felt generous, like “What have I to lose?"
If he’s dope, I’ll produce for him, if not, the guy’ll lose
So he spit, and with each round it became clear-oh my, it’s true!
You’re a New York washup down to the soul, your spirit guide’s Papoose!
You love to talk about ridin' dicks when you ride the mic
That’s half why it’s assured that victory is mine tonight
Oh…wait, you were calling me a faggot? You’d be kinda right
Except you guessed my gender wrong, stupid…I’m a dyke
See…when I’m not battling I’m speaking at meditation centers, droppin' zen wisdom
You stay cooped up in your room writing erotic friend-fiction
And I’m sure you’ve got bars in whatever language you’re speakin'
But you’re battling in America now, you gotta learn English
(Only needed 12 bars for this one)
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- Historical context: what album the song's on, how popular it was
- The sample used for the beat — use WhoSampled.com and wikipedia as references