Rap Critic and Mues – Top 10 Worst Eminem Songs Lyrics
The Top 10 Worst Eminem Songs
[Sounds of someone puking]
There I go--thinking of you again
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little poem
But off of the dome would probably be a little more, more suitable for this type of song--whoa
I got a million reasons off the top of my head that I could think of
Sixteen bars, this ain't enough to put some ink ta
I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo of you
On my arm, but what do I go and do
I go and get another one, now I got two
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
M: Simple math aside, that has got to be amongst Eminem's laziest writing, but this song appropriately enough has alot to do with puking. Just as you think it's over and as bad as it could possibly be- surprise!
Now I'm sittin' here with your name on my skin
I can't believe I went and did this stupid shit again
If you only knew how much I hated you
For every motherfuckin' thing you ever put us through
I was gonna take the time to sit down and write you a little letter
But I thought a song would probably be a little better
Instead of a letter
That you'd probably just shred up--yeah
RC: Sometimes, you need raw energy on a song to make people understand how you really feel, but other times, you need to sit down and take the time to properly craft your lyrics to fine-tune your message. This is a time where He needed that, because this is just sloppy. This song wasn't designed for people to listen to. It was designed for him to listen to and wallow in his sorrows, and didn't care to actually make us feel anything
M: Oh no, it made me feel something alright. Mainly disappointment. Eminem made a name for himself by rapping about hatred, but this song just feels like a cheap call back with none of the balls. It'd be one thing if he was trying to turn over a new violence free leaf, but, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, that just wasn't the case
9. Evil Deeds
M: It's the first song off Encore, and fittingly enough, much like an overture of a popular musical, Evil Deeds spells it all out, giving you a little taste of everything wrong with this dreadfull album all in one stage-setting piece...and it's a piece alright...
RC: This song's main problem: it sounds like a man trying to do what he did before, with bouncy, elaborately flowing intricate lyrical delivery, but, like… something's cracked, something broken, and.. he just can't do it!
Momma had a baby and it's head popped off
(head popped off, head popped off, head popped off, head popped off, head popped off) (Marc, anger)
My momma don't want me, the next thing I know I'm gettin' dropped off
(gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off, gettin' dropped off) (RC, anger)
RC: I think you see our problem with this first verse
Predominantly, predominantly, everything's always predominantly
Predominantly white, predominantly black
Well, what about me, where does that leave me
M: With predominantly white fans in a predominantly black genre
Well I guess that I'm between predominantly both of 'em
I think if I hear that fuckin' word again I'mma scream
M: You're the one saying it. Who the hell is annoyed at the word predominantly? It isn't THAT common. I couldn't even tell you the last time I used it, prior to this review anyway
What do I look like some kind of idi- *RC's face, smug* wait a minute, shit, don't answer that
Why do I go through so much bullshit, it sucks bullshit, it's tush mull bish
Woe is me, there goes poor Marshall again
Whining about his millions and his mansion and his sorrow he's always drownin' in
And the dad that he never had, and how his childhood was so bad
And how his mom was a dope addict, and his ex-wife how they go at it
Man I'd hate to have it, as bad as that Mr. Mather's claims he had it
RC: And here, he's addressing the fact that you've heard it all before, and that he is recycling it, but like I say, acknowledging that you suck is not an excuse to keep sucking. In fact, now it's worse, because now we KNOW that you know you suck and you are actively not DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. And THIS is how you start your album: by rattling off the same crap. And on his other albums where he would joke about his conventions, there was a certain energy, quick-wittedness and INTELLIGENCE about his self-awareness. THis just sounds like he's bored, but completely unwilling to break any new ground
8. My Band
RC: You know, I liked this song when it came out, but now that I look at it, this is the first song that signified his new, corny style. And sure, Eminem only has one verse, but that one verse, plus the stupid corny beat and chorus are enough to pull it down. Make no mistake: the first munite and a half are filled with Eminem and ONLY Eminem. this is Eminem's song, and it's horrible
These chicks don't even know the name of my band...
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands…
So I get off stage right and drop the mic
Walk up to these hot chicks and I'm all like
"What's up, ladies? My name's Slim Shady
I'm the lead singer in D12 baby"
RC: And while most of the other guys here are mediocre, which does nothing to improve the song, Proof is the only one who provides a really funny verse
I'm gonna let the world know that proof is hot
I should cut his mic off when the music starts
Hey yo it's... Ready to snap on a dumb ass fan
Every time I hear, "Hey dude I love your band."
We ain't a band bitch, we don't play instruments
M: But then, Bizarre comes in… and brings the song right back to where it was…
I told you I made the beats and wrote all the raps
Till Kon Artist slipped me some crack
M: No, you didn't. Dude, if YOU wrote all the raps to D12, then why did you always save the shittiest verses for yourself? Who knew Bizarre was such a self-less martyr
Lose Yourself video I was in the back
Superman video I was in the back
RC: No, you weren't. This is just untrue. Like, it's not even the funny kind of untrue, like there's some joke to it, it's just lying for the sake of lying
Fuck D12, I'm outta this band
I'm gonna start a group with the real Roxanne
RC: …Why? Why would you start a rap group with the chick from the Roxanne Wars of 1984? What's the joke here? Why was I supposed to think that's funny?
M: I don't even think they knew what they were going for here, but the song wraps up in a neat little package which I'm sure they thought was comedic gold
I'm the lead singer of my band, my salsa
Makes all the pretty girls want to dance
My salsa, well, look out for my next single, it's called "My Salsa"
My salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa
M: Why is this on the album? It's a simple enough question I think. I guess I can see how it would fit in the music video for a cheap laugh. They're all in costumes. Ya got the cute little dog, there, but who the hell is going to be blasting this in their car or worse off, singing along?
RC: And many people have said this is supposed to be a parody of "Milkshake" by Kelis… That's fine, but unfortunately, that doesn't make it sound any less stupid
7. My First Single:
Here comes the bucking bronco stomping and stampeding up the damn street
Like them buffalo soldiers, I told ya I'm bout' to blow
So look out below, Geronimo, motherfuckers is dominos
I'm on a roll, around and around I go
When will I stop? I don't know
M: Did you catch any of that? He didn't say a damn thing besides string together a bunch of haphazard, irrelevent words with absolutely no meaning behind any of them
RC: And by the way, this is the song with quite realistic sounds of someone shitting in your ear, on the fucking chorus
Eric swallowed some generic sleeping pills
And woke up in bed next to his best friend Derick bare naked
RC: …*long confused pause* So? What's the point? Does this story go anywhere? Is it in any way related to there song?
M: Maybe it's like Guilty Conscience...
Janean just turned 16 and used a fake id
To sneak in V.I.P. to see R. Kelly
RC: ….SOOO!?! What the hell are you talking about? How do these stories relate?
Am I a jerk or just jerk chicken
Or Chicka chicka chicka chicka jer jer jerkin the chain
22 jerks and a jerk circle
Or is it a circle jerk or wait a minute, What am I saying'?
M: Good Fucking Question, Em. And again, the joke is supposed to be, "look how aware I am of the fact that I'm not making sense!" To which I say, "Okay… I DON'T CARE. You have given me NO REASON TO CARE." It's just random, scattershot lyrics with no intent to tell you anything. These are lyrics from a man who has nothing to say, and and couldn't give TWO SHITS how sloppily he said it. Did he cut any songs off the album? Did he seriously think these were worth releasing? Why didn't anyone stop him?!
Just recently somebody just discovered
Britney and Justin videotapes of them fucking
When they were just musketeers in the Mickey Mouse club
And dusted them and went straight to The Source with them
Cause they could've sworn someone said Nuh-
And then tried to erase and record over it
But if you listen close enough to it you can hear the
Ga-Uh and then the come to find out it was Justin
Saying "I'm gonna come!"
M: WHY did He just dedicate half of his verse to talking about someone discovering Child porn of britney Spears and Justin Timberlake? In such detail, no less?! WHY THE HELL are you wasting this much time to tell us something that has absolutely NO significance? Where's the logic here? Lemme try to guess. What, is this fake story of child pornography that someone randomly sent to Source magazine that includes Justin Timberlake as a kid saying the N word supposed to be a joke on how the Source aren't a reliable magazine, saying that they'll report anything? And, is this story supposed to parallel the old tape they found of you saying the N word? That's the only reasoning I can make out of it, and how contrived would that be if it were the truth? Besides, that old tape of you saying the N-word turned out to be pretty real, so if this convoluted verse was supposed to be you trying to discredit them as a magazine, well, on execution alone, you failed...and it won't be the last time, I'm sure...
So fuck a chicken, lick a chicken, suck a chicken
Beat a chicken, eat a chicken like it's a big cock(?) bawka-bi-kaw
Or suck a dick, and lick a dick and eat a dick
And stick a dick in your mouth
I'm done you can fuck off
M: *pissed*...*slow zoom* *meek groan, cut off by next song*
6. Big Weenie
RC: This song is supposed to be a dis track to Ray Benzino. And you know how, if you're making a dis track to someone, you usually try to sound like the better, smarter, more clever person? Well, not when you're going through the infantile stage Slim Shady was going through:
You're just really jealous of me
Cuz I'm what you want to be
So you just look like an idiot
When you say these mean things
Cuz it's too easy to see
You're really just a big weenie, big weenie
M: Anyone else thinks this sounds like an Eminem song written through the eyes of Spongebob Squarepants? Big Weenie, more like big pussy. What the hell happened to him?
RC: So yeah, with THAT in mind, check out some of the witty quips that truly put Benzino in his place
Why did they make Yoo-Hoo?
Hippity ga-ga boo-boo
Alright now I, I just flubbed a line
I was going to say something extremely important
But I forgot who or what it was, I fucked up
You're droolin, you have tooth decay
Your mouth is open, you're disgusting
What the fuck you eat for lunch
A bunch of sweets or something, what?
You munch a bunch of Crunch 'N Munch?
We're going to conduct
That experiment that we were talking about earlier
Just to see what a frog looks like when it takes two hits of ecstasy
Cuz that's exactly what your eyes look like, want to check to see?
You look like I sound like: singing about weenies
RC: Uh… Shots fired?
M: Yea sure, but who did this song hurt more? First of all, this song is wack as hell, and secondly, it's Eminem dissing someone we really shouldn't care about in the first place. It's like when he wasted time dissing ICP on his SECOND album! Get the fuck over it!
RC: I know a lot of people like this song,and it sounds all sentimental and stuff, and some lyrics are really bittersweet:
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
RC: But I'm sorry, but I still expect some modicum of lyrical dexterity or at least a flow that sounds like it took time to craft, and here, he sounds like he just wrote a midnight confessional and any rhyming that happened was purely coincidental
And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back
On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara
RC: And seriously, listen to this vocal delivery and tell me it wasn't recorded at 4 in the morning
We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me
But things have gotten so bad between us
I don't see us ever being together ever again
Like we used to be when we were teenagers
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
RC: The pure lackluster delivery murders this song's sentimental tone. Also…
"I know momma's not HERE RIGHT NOW, AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY"
RC: Couldn't you get… ANYONE to sing these choruses for you? Like, it was endearing on "Hailie's Song", but now it's getting painful
M: I didn't like any of these Hailie songs, myself. I hate to sound unsympathetic to Em's plite, but I just never cared. And you know she couldn't possibly like them either, especially as she gets older. These songs are the rap equvillent of showing embarrassing baby photos to dinner guests
4. Rain Man:
"Song intro, *fart noise at the beginning*
M: You know, I think I found the inspiration for that South Park episode where parents listen to their kids music and it sounds like nothing but shit noises
RC: An appropriate sound for this song, though, because this is the one song off of Encore with absolutely NO irredeemable value: there's no main theme or point, it's just him farting around for 4 minutes, unfiltered and with no structure or purpose. His flow is as stilted as ever, and his rhymes are aren't even laughably bad, because that would imply that you could possibly squeeze a quantifiable amount of enjoyment out of this waste of studio money
Listen to shit now cause I won't stand for this
And Chirs-stiff-pher Reeves won't sit for this neither
And let's clear this up too I ain't got no beef with him either
He used to be like a hero to me
I even believe I, had one of those 25 cent stickers on my re--frigerator
Cause I ain't got no legs!
Or no brain, nice to meet you
Hi, my name is...
I forgot my name!
In football the quarterback yells out hutt-hutt
While he reaches in another grown man's ass *Mues, rubbing his head in disgust*
Grabs on his nuts but just what if
It was never meant it was just an accident
But he tripped, fell, slipped and his penis went in
His teeny tiny little round hiney *RC, Looking down, sucking teeth in anger*
But he didn't mean it
But his little weenie flinched just a little bit
M: No more sarcasm, guys. I just have to say it straight out: *quieted anger* This, is not, fucking, funny. It isn't offensive. It isn't conterversial. This is unexceptable
And I don't gotta make no god damn sense
I just did a whole song and I didn't say shit
M: Aw! But see, it's COMPLETELY OKAY because I ACKNOWLEDGED HOW POINTLESS IT WAS!!!
RC: Yeah, by the end of the Encore album, you will wish death upon the bastard who invented the concept of "self-referential humor"
3. Just Lose It
RC: I already did my review of it, so honestly, I refuse to listen to it again for the purpose of reiterating my disgust for it. You wanna hear what I had to say, go watch that review
RC: I'm serious. YOU talk about it, I'm not coin' this again *gets up*
Mues: Oh, okay... *Mues improvises a quick review*
RC: *After you're done* Ah, okay, I'm back. You're done, right?
Mues: Yep. You don't have to listen to any part of that song now
RC: Oh, thank Go-- *Mues plays laugh from the song*… I don't like you...
2. Ass Like That
RC: Okay, now this song was yet another dis track, this time to Triumph the Insult Comic dog. That's right: the rapper who could be contending for best rapper alive made a dis track to a puppet. This was an embarrassing time to be an Eminem fan
M: But wait: Triumph the Insult Comic dog is IN the video! That's his voice! So did they, like, make up or something?
RC: I don't care if this feud was real or fake: the point is, some publicity battle resulted in this annoying excuse for a song
M: Yeah, remember how "Just Lose It" had random parts about pedophelia? Well, apparently that was just so fucking hilarious, he had a WHOLE FUCKING SONG dedicated to statutory rape…
"you make my pee pee go Doing, doing, doing"
RC: My pee-pee?
M: And if that isn't enough, he's going to piss on girls too, because, ya know, that's what the song was truly missing all along...
I just like to pee, pee, pee
Yes, I make r&b, I sing song it go
M: Because… R. Kelly, and stuff. I mean, it has absolutely nothing to do with Triumph the insult comic dog, but it was 2004, so…i guess you had to be there...
For I am Triumph, the puppet dog, I am a mere puppet
I can get away with anything I sing, you will love it
RC: So, you're rip on the voice behind Triumph is that people let him get away with saying offensive things because he's hiding behind the puppet? WEll, couldn't you make the argument that YOUR fans are letting you get away with saying offensive things just because you hide behind the alter ego of an angry rapper? I mean, I'm still a fan, but dude, don't be a hypocrite
I am Triumph, Britney Spears has shoulders like a man
And I can say that and you'll laugh cuz that is a puppet on my hand
M: How do you not see the irony in judging someone because they take cheap shots at celebrities? Have you not heard… every lead single of every one of your albums?
Get to the chopper, everybody get out
I am not Triumph, I am Arnold, get down
M: And… Arnold Schwarzenegger reference… because… 2003 California election…you know what, fuck it, I can't make excuses for this anymore
RC: So yeah, this song is crap, it's reprehensible, and completely inexcusable as the guy who once brought us "The Way I Am" and "Stan", but my friends… NOTHING can prepare you for this number one song. Nothing
M: I want you to imagine, if you will, someone who, in late 2005, is trying to get into Eminem's music, but doesn't know where to start. So, he's at a record shop, and he sees Eminem's name, but he doesn't know which album to buy, so he takes a safe bet and goes with his greatest hits album, "Curtain Call". So he takes it home and pops the CD in. And, imagine you are that person, and the very first track you hear, before "Lose Yourself", before "Stan", before "Sing For the Moment", before even "The Real Slim Shady", the very first impression that you get of Eminem is a previously unreleased song called:
Fack fack faaaack, Fuck I am, I am
I'm going to cum, I'm cumming
Oh ohh fack
I'm gonna fucking cum *spurting sound*
I'm so fucking hot and your so fuckin hot
Oh my God
I wanna facking fack, No, not fuck, I said fack
*part where Eminem mumbles*
Ah Your finger just went in my ass'
Now See that gerbil, Grab that tube
Shove it up my butt, Let that little rascal nibble on my asshole
M: Dude, I don't know what the fuck to say about this. But after hearing this, people stopped saying "Eminem, please come back". I know for me personally, after I heard this, my response was, "Eminem, go away. Get lost. Don't call. Don't write. Leave. And never come back."
RC: I mean, what the hell was the point of this song? The whole thing is based around a sexual activity that NOBODY did. He might as well have made a song about "Rainbow Parties". *show the book cover*. I mean, who the hell was this song supposed to be for? It only serves to highlight a gross sexual activity that people of course accused homosexuals of doing, because, hey, they're the demographic you could still pick on in the early 2000's without worrying about losing any money
Shove a gerbil in your ass Through a tube
Shove a gerbil in your ass Through a tube
RC: Are we supposed to be singing along with this? Because… no
M: This is absolute trash, with no redeeming quality whatsofucking ever. There should have never come a day where I would take listening to an Insane Clown Posse song over an Eminem song, but this is that fucking day
RC: Now, some fans like to use the excuse that he was on drugs
M: *cuts me off* "On drugs" my ass. "Puke" was made while on drugs. "Rain Man" was made while on drugs. The only possible excuse there can be for a song like this to come from any being of sentient thought is that that person has in mind the specific intention of eliciting pure, unadulterated disgust and hatred from anyone listening. In other words; attempted career suicide. And unfortunately for us, you managed to fuck that up too
Edit song description to add:
- Historical context: what album the song's on, how popular it was
- The sample used for the beat — use WhoSampled.com and wikipedia as references