'Cause I got enough problems, my car broke down, you know. I got a car, I got nothin' but trouble. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I tell you: with my car, when I'm out on a road, just once I'd like to see someone pass me without pointing to one of my tires. When I went out last week, I got a perfect second car: a tow truck!
I always get lost, too. When I get lost, I'm lost! When other people get lost, they get directions. "You go straight ahead, follow your nose! Just follow your nose!"
No one ever tells me to follow my nose. I always hear things like, uh... "You're WAY off. Not in this town!"
Then they give me directions, I get lost all over again! "Go to your 6th light, make a right turn." Soon as I pull away, I'm in trouble. I never know if I should count the first light!
Or else they tell me to go straight ahead. "Can't miss it, go straight ahead." Soon as I pull away, I come to a fork on a road. Ever happened to you too?

Ah, what can I tell ya... last time my wife drove the car, she cracked it up two and into a tree. Told me it wasn't her fault, she blew the horn!
Well, the first time she drove the car, she hit a deer. It was in the zoo! Now, my wife isn't so smart, you know? One night she went out, some guy stole the car.
I said to her "did you see what he looked like?" She told me she got the license plate number.
I mean, she's not smart at all, I told her our kid is spoiled, she told me a lot of kids smell that way.
Nah, she's not smart at all, are you kiddin'? On the second time she got pregnant, she thought we had to get married again, you know?
But I really got stuck last week. I bought a new book, "100 Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction, it was a misprint!

I mean, it's always something. My wife's father, he just moved in too, has an electronic pacemaker. Every time he sneezes, the garage door opens!
I mean it, today's been a terrible day. Got up this morning, picked up my shirt, a button fell off. On my briefcase the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
I mean, things happen to me you wouldn't believe it! A week in Philly, standing in the men's room, you see your home phone number on the wall.
I mean, nothing works out. Last night a hooker told me she had a headache... You don't know what a hooker is either, eh?
My God. You girls over here, you know what a hooker is? Heh... oh, you *are* hookers? Oh, good luck then. I'm just kidding, joshing around... are you?
My God... And you sir, take your hand off your pee-pee, you'll go blind that way. That's why you're not laughing, you're too busy down there.

I can say "hooker" and "pee-pee", I'm not on television. It's a nightclub, you can say whatever you want here. You son of a bitch, butcher, bastard, blblblbl, ha...
I don't know... what the hell am I sweating for? It's my joint and I got the job! I don't know what I'm doing here, you know that? [applause & laughter]
Couldn't... you're alright. It's just a hobby, that's all. A hobby, I work here for laughs, you know. I make my money in my regular job – I sing the national anthem at cock fights.
What do you say we bust up this joint, huh? (Yeah, woo! Hey!) Alright, next week after the fire.

Now, when I started in showbiz, I worked only tough places. Places like Funzo's Knuckle Room. Aldo's, formerly Vito's, formerly Nunzio's.
Ooh, that was a tough one, Nunzio was tough. I sat down to eat, and in the menu they had broken leg of lamb!
And Nunzio, he was tough! One time he said to me "kid, you wanna go hunting?" I said "okay, I'm game." Then he shot me!
Showbiz is tough too, I'll tell you that. Boy, what a racket! You don't know what you go through in show-business, you kiddin'?
Showbiz is... yeah, sometimes, you know, sometimes... I think back on all the women I had to sleep with to get where I got, you know that?
It's a tough racket, you kiddin'? Last week my fan club broke up, the guy died.

In fact, I've had a new agent last week, a woman agent. She asked me if I had an 8"x10". I told her if I had an 8"x10", I wouldn't have to work anymore!
I never got girls, when I was a kid in showbiz, never got girls. One time I took out a college girl, and she majored in business psychology. For a $100 an hour she'll blow your mind!
I can't make it with chicks, you go out one night, you gotta start conversations. "Hi, where you from? Really? What sign are you? Ha ha, ha..." I can't do it.
To me, the 8 hours of bullshit ain't worth the 8 seconds. I can't make the whole trip, I'll tell ya. [applause]
I'll tell you what's tough: spend a whole night with a chick, and then daylight comes and you didn't! (ooh...) Ah death, where is thy sting?
Ah, but I never got girls. I was makin' love to one girl, she started to cry. I said "do you hate yourself in the morning?" She said "No, I hate myself now!"

This girl was no bargain either. Showed up, she had pigtails under her arms! She was fat too, she got on the scale, a [?] came out, said "one at a time!"
This girl was fat and ugly, ooh, was she ugly! (How ugly?) How ugly? She was known as a two-bagger. That girl was so ugly, you go out with her, you put a bag over your head, in case the bag over her head breaks!
She was ugly! She was so ugly, you look in a dictionary under the word "ugly", you see her picture! I mean ugly! You kiddin'?
I bent down to pet her cat, it was the hair on her legs! It's an ugly chick! I took her to top of the Empire State Building, airplanes started to attack her! I mean ugly!
I found out when she goes to the bank, they turn off the cameras! You kiddin'? The ugly girl.
Yeah, when two guys broke in her apartment, she ought to raid, they go "NO!"

My looks don't mean nothin'. I got a niece, an ugly girl, and she got married. She's happy, she met an ugly guy, you know. Today, they got two very ugly kids.
In fact they're all so ugly, in the family album they only keep the negatives. HAHA! I'm no waitin' for you, okay? Nice to hear you laugh though, I'll tell you that.
'Cause driving is no laughs, I live in New York, in Westside. A very bad neighborhood, just last week I got pulled a knife on me. I could see it was a real professional job, there was butter on it.
What a neighborhood... well, the first day I moved in I asked a cop, I said "how long I walk to the subway?" He said "I don't know, so far no one ever made it."
Eh, it's getting worse over there. Just put a new sidewalk in front of my building. Remember when I was a kid, I put my hand print in the wet cement. I thought I'd do it again.
I'll tell you, it's a weird feeling to put your hand in the cement... and you feel another hand.

Now there's nothing but killings over there. I went out, I bought a waterbed. There was a guy at the bottom of it.
My apartament – nothing but robberies, they're all over the place. Every time I close a window, I hit somebody's fingers.
Yeah, when I was a kid I once turned to crime, you know? I pulled one job and they caught me, I was so stupid, you know.
I picked the guy's pocket in an airplane, and made a run for it.
My kid goes to the worst school there is. Only public school I know, where the school newspaper has an obituary column.
I looked at one class, that teach the kids English. I heard the teacher say "what comes after a sentence?" Kid goes out: "you make an appeal!"

That's where I live on the Westside. I live in an older building. I live in the kind of building like, I take a shower, I never get under right away. First 5 minutes I get rust.
And when I'm taking a shower, if someone in the building takes a cold drink of water, I get burned!
You know, I wanna move outta there, wife wants to stay there though. My wife, she can't do nothing right, nothing, you know that?
I took her to the ballet, she forgot the sandwiches. She can't cook either, the worst cook in the world. In my house, we pray after we eat.
What a lousy cook, you kiddin'? I don't think meat loaf should glow in the dark. I got the only dog, that begs for Alka-Seltzer!
She can't cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves!
Oh, last night she gave me a steak. It still had marks where the jockey was hitting it!
And she told me to take out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out!"

I tell ya, my wife always gave me trouble, always. At my bachelor party, she was in the movie.
It's tough to stay married, it's tough, are you kiddin'? My wife, during sex she always wants to talk to me. Yeah, the other night she called me from a hotel.
I mean, sex with me? That's ridiculous. My wife makes love to me, there's always a reason for it.
One night she used me to time an egg. I don't know, I'm getting very confused. I'll tell you that, very confused.
There's a lot of people confused today, you know. You wanna really confuse a guy? Join him, while he's taking a leak in the street.
If you wanna drive him nuts altogether, have your wife and kids join him too. He'll really go crazy, you know?

I went nuts last week, I tried group sex. Now I got a new problem: I don't know who to thank!
Group sex... and I got divorced, that was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
Anybody got any good drugs here, perhaps? You get older, you look for ways to relax, you know.
Doctors tell you "don't smoke, don't drink, eat certain foods." At my age, what can I look forward to?
From this point on, if I take excellent care of myself, I get very sick and die.
What am I doing...? I should be home and sleeping, relaxing, creating hatred in the family.
My age I should be reading the papers, I'm looking to roll them.

You know when you're really old? When your family talks about you in front of you.
Ever see those families? The guy's sitting right there. "What do you wanna do with Pop? I mean, Pop can't stay here!"
And Pop just sits there dribbling, bll... "Harry, put Pop in the garage! We got company coming, okay?"
That's when you're old... I'm glad you got a sense of humor, this world is too much. You gotta have a laugh once in a while.
That's why the Polish people are okay: got a sense of humor, do jokes, they kid around, they're alright. [voice from the crowd]
What's that? You go to the movies, you talk back to the screen? Take it easy, will you?
You oughta save your breath, you'll need it later to blow up your inflatable date. [audience cheering] No offense.

What can I tell ya, I mean, it's tough to work it out. I was tryin' to tell you, that's why the Polish people are okay: got a sense of humor, they do jokes, they kid around.
Where's the Polish people, eh? [cheering] Over there? Good to see you, baby, how are you. Where you from, buddy?
(Warsaw) You're from Warsaw...? It's a long war, isn't it, huh?
You hear about the Polish guy who won a gold medal, he had it bronzed?
Oh, I met a guy last week, he got a problem: half Polish, half Italian. He wants to beat someone up, he forgot who!
I got my own problems: I'm half Jewish and half Japanese. In fact, I was circumcised at Benihana's!

What a life, are you kiddin'? I don't know who to believe anymore. I mean, they say "love thy neighbor as thyself." What am I s'posed to do, jerk him off too?
You hear about the Polish guy? Left his keys in the car, had to get a hanger to get his family out. [laughter] Now tell your wife. Polacks... tell your wife.
You're a hot crowd, ready for this one? This Polish guy, they found sugar in his urine. He went home and took a leak over his corn flakes!
Glad to see you appreciate sophisticated humor. Look how I ended up at my age, huh? Sweating, telling dirty Polish jokes.
"How old am I?" How old do you think I am? [crowd whispering] Over 21, yes, thank you very much. Heh, I'm 58 years old. That's how old I am, 58.
(Nah...) (Don't push it!) I don't look it, I know I don't look it, huh? (Don't push him!) No, people think I'm younger, they really do, they think I'm younger.
In fact, every girl I meet takes me for 50. 58, are you kiddin'? I can go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow, haven't gone today yet.

Let you all ask me some questions, you're a nice lively group, people. People always ask me questions about life, showbiz, whatever. Hey Bobby, put up all lights, okay?
Oh, lots of people, got any qu- hey uh... anybody got a cigarette here? Nobody's perfect, we only fool around here. You got a cigarette? Thanks very much, I left mine in the machine, you know how it is.
Thank you. You got a match too? I don't do magic up here.
I got a crazy doctor, told me to keep smokin' if I wanna stop chewing gums, so what the hell.
Anybody got a question here, perhaps? (How is your health?) How's my health? My health is very bad, very bad, you kiddin'?
This morning I fixed myself pretty good, too. This morning, it was my push-ups in the nude. I didn't see the mouse trap!

You have a question here, say yes. (Did you have any kids that lived?)
Did my mother have any kids that lived? Heh... you're hot shit too, you know that, son? Lotta laughs.
You have a question, sir? (Rodney, what do you do for a living?) What do I do for a living? That's nice too, huh.
I get guys for your sister, okay? [applause] Always some wise guy, always a wi- Be a wise guy, after the show you and I go to the men's room and have it out together. Show you how small you are.

From now on, I want questions only from people! Yes my dear, you have a question? (Rodney, do you find it hard getting up in the morning?)
...I'm lucky if I can find it in the morning, are you kidding? Told you I'm getting old, at my age I'm envious of a stiff wind!
Any other questions here, perhaps? (Hey Rodney!) Yes? (I'll give you a kiss, if you give me your tie!)
You'll give me a kiss, if I give you my tie... not a bad offer. (Take it, take it!) What do I get for my shorts?

Yes, right in the back there! (Where were you born?) I was born in Babylon, Long Island. You heard of that place? Very small town, very small town.
So small, the local hooker was a virgin. Very small place. One day I plugged in my electric razor, and a trolley stopped.
Yes, sir? (How's Johnny Carson in real life?) Johnny Carson is a great guy, he really is. I mean, the man is gay though, so... [laughter]
No, Carson is a great guy. Yes, sir? (Did you get any respect in high school?) No respect at all, I used to share a locker with a mop.
Yes? (Rodney, do you have any children?) Yes, I have three children, one of each. No, I have uh... I have a boy in college, he's majoring in fuckin' up.
My boy... I only wish his room was as clean as his pot! They sent him home last week for lewd behavior, the kid took ten lewds.

Over there, yes? (Rodney, when you comin' to Brooklyn?) Never, never, NEVER, never, never!
You're from Brooklyn, eh baby? Nice to have class in the room, I'll tell you that, but it's alright.
Ey, Brooklyn... yeah baby, go ahead. (Rodney, what do you do to stay in shape?)
Stay in shape? You must be drinking. I gained some weight, are you kiddin'? It's tough to stay in a diet, really tough.
I got a big appetite, are you kiddin'? Big appetite. I leave McDonald's, I stay outside and watch the sign change.
You gotta have willpower, I got no willpower, you know. You know what willpower is with weight?
Like a guy goes electric chair, they give him his last meal – and he stays on weight watches. That's willpower.

We got time here for just 30, 40 more questions. I got nowhere near that. Anybody have a question? Go ahead.
(I'd just like to say, I still think that you're one of the best.) Thank you very much, thank you very much. [applause] Thank you all.
However, that's not a question, that's a statement. Thank you very much.
Yes dear, right over here? (How come when you were in Hackensack, you didn't come down to Central Square and visit us?) ...right.
Could you write that in, please? Thanks for slowing me up.
That's it folks, the end of the line. (One more, one more!) Go ahead, one more.

(Where did you get a name like that?) Where did I get a name like Rodney? My real name is Percival Sweetwater.
Now, what happened was I went back at the show-business, you know, and uh... I was out of it for a while and quit.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
And I saw an ad in the paper when I came back, it said "Improve your personality!" And I went to see the man.
He told me my personality was okay, but my name was my problem.
I said to him "My name? How can a name be a problem? Even William Shakespeare said 'What's in a name?'."
He said "who?" I said "William Shakespeare." He said "Look, wanna listen to me, or you wanna listen to your friends?"

You know the trouble with me? I'll tell you the trouble with me. I appeal to everyone, who can do me absolutely no good.
With me nothing comes easy. Well, the other day I went into McDonald's, they told me I don't deserve a break!
That's the story of my life, no respect. I don't get no respect at all, are you kiddin'? No respect from anywhere, are you kiddin'. It's not easy, not easy.
No respect at all... well, yesterday for two hours a guy followed me with a pooper scooper! Are you kidding...
Well, I held a sea shell up to my ear, it told me to get off the beach!
I don't get no respect from anyone! I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me "should I wrap it up, or are you gonna eat it here?"
Are you kiddin', it's not easy being me. I was arrested for jaywalking, the crowd kept yelling "don't take him alive!"

But I do wanna acknowledge the boys behind me. Trio, they're just working together during the winter. In the spring they're gonna break up, and join smaller outfits.
They've been with me now for 22 years, my boys, traveling around honky towns, all over the country.
Over here we have my pianist, arranger, conductor, composer and friend: Sims. And that's Buzz, he's on drums among other things.
And right behind me is my new bass man, Styles Bitchley. And Lionel, he's outside painting the bus.
And this is Sonya, she don't sing. She just travels with us, that's all.

Yeah, I'll tell ya: the governments have to give back taxes, my leaders have to give back alimony, but I'm happy, I'm using vibes again.
It's too hip, too hip. Inside stuff, that's all. [applause] What you wanna do now?
That's it, show's over. (aw, oh... come on!) You got screwed again, right? What can I tell ya, huh?
You want your money back? Fungu, alright? That's it, you got screwed, okay.
I'll tell you, the whole thing goes back to my childhood; and the time I was lost on a beach, and a cop told me to look for my parents.
I said to the cop "you think we'll find them?" He said "I don't know kid, there's so many places they could hide!"

I was never lucky in a beach, never. I was drowning, I was yelling "help, help!" and a lifeguard ran over. Said "alright kid, keep it down, keep it down!"
My old man, he didn't help either, my old man. I was kidnapped, they sent back a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof!
One time I asked my old man, how can I get my kite in the air. He told me to run off a cliff!
What a childhood I had! My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair!

I hope you had a few laughs, okay? Watch out, you know. [applause] Hey, good crowd, hey!
[singing] Well, this was my moment, when destiny called me...
The golden hour, big time!
Thank you so much, I hope you had some fun, eh? Thank you very much. [outro music]